Dear Lucas (aka my sweet little threenager),
I would like to read you a bed time story. A bed time story inspired by Adam Mansbach’s book “Go The F**k To Sleep.”
Here goes…
Jasper has curled up in his blanket.
The house is as quiet as a mouse.
Let’s get you snug in your covers,
Its time to go the “F” to sleep.
I know it’s still light outside,
Daylight savings time is a real beast.
But… quit arguing with me Lucas
And go the “F” to sleep!
I gave you three kisses.
I gave you five hugs.
And a monster truck too!
Please? Pretty please, go the “F” to SLEEP?!
It’s now the third time you’ve gotten out of bed,
And no, I don’t believe you have to pee.
You’re stalling my love,
Dear sweet Jesus, please go the “F” to sleep.
Oh NOW what?!
Your leg hurts?
That’s bullshit!
GET BACK IN BED AND GO THE “F” TO SLEEP!!!!
There’s NO WAY you’re still thirsty!
You’ve had 10 sips of water! I don’t want you to pee!
Stop crying! Stop yelling at me!
AND GO THE “F” TO SLEEP!!!!
I’m making YOU mad?
Again that’s BULLSHIT!
‘Cause you’re making me mad!
Take your feelings to the bedroom and GO THE “F” TO SLEEP!
It’s 9:45 Lucas.
It’s been almost two hours.
Daddy is taking me to the looney bin tomorrow
Because you just won’t “F-ing” SLEEP!!
Ok. You win. It’s ten o’clock.
I wave the white flag.
Mommy and Daddy want to leave town!
But… we still love you and will see this through, despite your epic smack down.
Wait! What’s that? A yawn?!
You mean it’s finally over?
Holy shit! Not a peep!
You FINALLY went the “F” to sleep!
*I want to thank Adam for his book and for Jennifer Garner’s most awesome reading of it. It’s somewhat comforting to know that we are not alone and maybe, just maybe he’ll finally go to sleep.
[…] What did I learn about year three? You talk. I mean you really really talk… a lot… and you NEVER stop. Things must be in order – everything has a place. Your Daddy and I lived in constant fear of tipping off a tantrum. You told naps to take a hike and there went my two hours of free time on the weekends. You do not possess patience and are a back seat driver. If I had a quarter for every time you told me to “Gooooooooo!!!!” when we were at a red light or “DRIVE FASTER MOMMY!!!!!!” I’d have your college tuition paid for. Your negotiation skills are beyond this world better than any lawyer I have witnessed on Law & Order. I have walked an extra 1,000,000 miles this year just from having to put you to bed 300 times each and every night because you just would not go the “F” to sleep. […]